Thank you for taking care of yourself!

When I first accepted my current position in Chemistry, people asked me if I felt like I minority.  They were referring to the fact that I was to be the second woman in a predominantly male department.  I replied that indeed I did feel a little out of place, but not because I am a woman.  Rather, the faculty in our department come from a variety of ethnic backgrounds and, odd as it may sound, I was a little self-conscious about being white. 

That's not to say that there aren't times I don't notice differences that might be associated to sex.  A few months ago I found myself complaining more and more about the demands being made on my time that were taking me away from research.  Somehow I had ended up on 4 committees, was the "go-to" gal for a number of student related issues, and overall found it difficult to ever be in my office with my door even slightly cracked without being disturbed.  I grew increasingly cranky and critical of my colleagues.  Why didn't they seem to be taking on more?  Why was I getting stuck with all the "service" work?  Why wouldn't people just let me do my research?!

I had been warned over and over again by my mentors that one of the hardest things to learn as a junior faculty member is saying no.  Whatever our reasons, we tend to take on too much too soon.  I wondered if I had failed to say "no" enough.  Or if I hadn't set clear enough boundaries.  Or if I was just being a pushover.  Somehow, something needed to change.  But what?  How?

Now, months later, I think I've found the answer.  It didn't come from any amount of introspection, or from chats with mentors, friends, or colleagues.  It actually came during an OB appointment two weeks ago.  Just as she finished listening to the fetal heart rate, my doctor paused as she looked down at me and said, "You've been having a great pregnancy.  Thank you for taking care of yourself."  It was a very strange thing to be thanked for, and from a physician no less.  Especially since I didn't really think that I had been making a concious effort to take care of myself.  I had been in survival mode for so long, just trying to make it through the fall semester without getting ill.  In fact, I had been feeling a bit cheated out of the whole "pregancy experience" because I had spent so little time thinking about it, or the little creature growing inside.

It wasn't until later, on the walk back to the house, that my doctor's words hit me fully.  "Thank you for taking care of yourself."  Here I had been taking care of myself physically -- making time to exercise and eat right -- but hadn't been taking time for the other, very important things needed to take care of oneself spiritually or emotionally.  Over the past few weeks, I've taken a step back to reevaluate my commitments as compared to my colleagues.  And in doing so I've noticed that my male counterparts seem much more able to make the time needed to care for their mental well-being.  They close the office door more often, tell students it is not a good time, or turn things in later than they'd like.  It's not just a male thing; I see many women with the same ability. But in general, these are more senior female faculty.  I wonder how long it took them to develop this skill?  Or how long it will be until I do?!

In the mean time, I will try to take better care of myself.  And I will remind all of the other women in my life (or other take-on-too-muchers!), whether they be in academia or not, to take care of themselves.  Close the door, go to the gym, read a book, knit your hearts out -- whatever is needed.  Don't make it a New Year's resolution.  Make it a life's resolution.